Reality begins to set in . . .

Somewhere in the back of my mind I have this little niggling thought that keeps poking at me, reminding me that my daughter is getting married. Not that I have forgotten. How could I with the sparkly cards set around my house proclaiming "You're Engaged!" "Congratulations!" How could I forget with a kitchen full of leftover cakes, cheeses, candy and other fattening foods leftover from the engagement party of Saturday night? How could I forget with everyone congratulating us, and saying "how exciting!" No, I haven't forgotten. But maybe on some level I am blocking it out. Yes it is wonderful news, wonderful that Kristen and Brad are so happy together. Wonderful that we have some time to plan a lovely wedding. But sometimes this whole thing feels like a bulldozer coming right at me and my life. I do not for a minute begrudge Kristen a joyful family supported engagement and wedding, but it is kind of like seeing yourself driving along on a trip, knowing pretty well where you are headed and how you will get there, and then all of a sudden there is a huge DETOUR sign that leads you off the highway with all kinds of crazy turns so you can't see the way ahead. Things are going to change. And I have a hard time with change. We have had this computer for over 8 months and I am still missing my old one. It took me 2 years to finally sell my van and get a different car. When my cell phone battery died after 4 years, and they said they didn't have a replacement battery available and I should buy a new phone I was actually tearing up at the Verizon booth! (I found a battery online - did not replace the phone.) I am still adjusting to moving here. Nearly 12 years ago. But change happens, and I will just need to get over it and get on with it. No doubt my husband will be reminding me of that frequently during the coming months. He is probably looking forward to some of the changes. No more paying bills for Kristen's schooling, car or cell phone. No more hearing her turning on the water to take a bath when it is nearly midnight. And the water pump is under our bedroom. No more of her complaining that our house is freezing and then turning up the thermostat to 76 degrees. No, I am sure he is looking forward to those things. But there are some changes that I am not looking forward to. I am afraid our lifestyle is going to have to change to accomodate the wedding Kristen has pictured. John has already signed up to work extra shifts at the hospital. I am wondering if will have to drastically shorten my trip to NH this summer so I can do something to earn money here. But working this summer might not be such a bad thing. It will help keep me from obsessing about how this will be the last summer that Kristen will live at home. It will be the last summer of having children in the house, and not just one child. The last summer of her stomping feet up the stairs when exasperated at me, and the last summer of buying her particular brand of cereal, type of bread, flavors of yogurt, fat percentage of milk, and special shampoos. To me, it will be the last summer of her childhood, and
even though she will be here physically, she will be leaving us mentally as she sweeps us all up the big plans for a wedding. To get married. And to leave us. To leave me. And I don't know if I will ever adjust to that change.